Perfecting the Flow

Project: The rap I've been working on

So I wrote the lyrics.  I made the beat.  I even created a skeleton for the music video. The next stop is practicing the delivery of the rap for recording.

I read through it out loud, but normally, once or twice, just to get a feel of the word rolling off of my tongue.  Then I rapped through it.  But probably prematurely, I launched into rapping to it with the music playing in the background.  The tempo is kind of fast, so there's definitely a lot to iron out there still, and since I have headphones on, it's not exactly a clear run through since I can barely hear my voice.  But it counts for something.

So here I am now.  I've gone through this rap about 5 times with the music.  And taking a breather, I realize...I feel emotionally drained.  Now I do this often with raps I've written - rap through them to perfect the rhythm, that is, so they'll be solid whenever I finally get a chance to record them.  But never have I felt like this EVER after these private "rehearsals."  But that's probably because it's always usually been comedic/satirical rap.

But this rap.  I didn't even realize how emotionally attached I was to the meaning, to these words.  I mean, it's about an issue that's very important to me and that has been for years.  Something that's always weighed on my heart - heck, it's a big part of my heart.  And I guess all these years of thinking it, writing it in my journal, scribbling random poems and prose around it has added up and culminated into this rap.  Because man, I feel these words so much.  I was vaguely aware of it as I was rapping - the emotion building up with the verses and the music.  My voice cracking - the true sincerity and earnestness.  Like any sort of spoken art is about creating emotion in the words, but with this, I don't have to create it or make it or fake it.  It's just takes a life on its own without me realizing.

I could feel myself almost almost to tears.  Getting to the point where I could see myself tearing up.  My hand motions are fervent, and some lines I'm practically yelling.  And it's just kind of confirmation throughout the doubts I've been having about this project - I have to do this.  Seeing how much this means to me, how much I care about this...

I'm watching Vh1's Top 20 Countdown simultaneously as I write this, and Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" is on.  And you know, this rap of mine - it's kind of my "Born This Way."  No, it's not about the same thing that Born This Way...well, actually.  But no, the point I'm trying to make with this comparison is that this song I wrote is a message I believe strongly in, that I truly believe the world needs to know.  And I know songs have been made about it before - 3 from the past few months alone come to mind - but I have to take a stab at it.  And it brings a little something different than "Who Says", "Firework" and "F***** Perfect" does.  Yep, I'm getting more explicit about it.

I'll say the only reason why I haven't been completely explicit about it is that there is a very specific hook to it that sets it apart, and I have this mild paranoia of my ideas being copied, so I'm wary about putting that out to a blog that anyone can see.  But I'm fine with saying that the song is about loving yourself  and realizing that absolutely everyone - including yourself - really is beautiful.  I think it's the saddest thing when people think they're ugly, not good enough - tears my heart apart, so this song...it's about that.

Allow me toot my horn for one second, though.  I know this post is about the flow and the emotion behind it, but man, I somehow managed to create a really great, emotional musical accompaniment for the lyrics.  I think that's part of what gets me so much as I rap it.  Because the music speaks so well to the desperateness in which I wanted to deliver this message with.

There you go.